connectedgrowthdrtobingpuente

Why do we use words? To communicate, to connect, or for performance?

February 10, 2026 connectedgrowthdrtobingpuente

by Amna Khan, PhD

When we think about communication, it’s easy to focus on words – what a child says, how clearly they say it, and whether they are using the “right” phrase at the “right” time. But in our work with children and families, we often come back to a bigger question: What is the true purpose of communication? Is it simply to make needs known, or is it to connect, interact, and build relationships?

This perspective, informed by the DIRFloortime approach, aligns closely with the work of Dr. Barry Prizant, who has long emphasized that communication development is rooted in emotional connection, regulation, and shared engagement. From this view, communication is not just about producing language, it’s about engaging in relationships. When children feel safe, regulated, and emotionally connected, they are far more likely to engage, explore, and learn.

Many children with developmental language differences communicate in ways that do not always look expected or “typical.” Some people use repeated phrases or familiar language patterns (sometimes referred to as echolalia and are reflective of Gestalt Language Processing). These forms of communication are sometimes misunderstood, yet they carry important emotional and relational meaning, especially when viewed in context. When children communicate in these ways, it is important to respond to the meaning of what they are expressing, rather than correcting them for using the “wrong” words or phrases (e.g., “We’re not talking about that right now”). Correcting language in the moment can unintentionally shut down interaction, even when the child is actively trying to connect. Validating the idea and/or the intention of the communication leaves the door open for continued interacting (e.g., “Oh, you’re thinking about ___! You seem excited about that.”)

One of the biggest shifts we emphasize is moving away from treating communication as a performance task. When communication becomes about “getting it right,” interaction can stop quickly. For example, when a child shares a word or phrase and the adult responds with “Good job!”, the exchange often ends there. While the praise is well-intentioned, it can unintentionally make communication feel like a task rather than an invitation to connect. In contrast, responses such as “I hear you,” “Tell me more,” or “You look excited!” keep the interaction open and invite the child to stay engaged.

This approach is central to the DIRFloortime model, which understands emotional connection as the foundation for learning and development. Within DIR, we prioritize regulation, shared attention, and reciprocal interaction as the building blocks for communication. Language grows most naturally when it is embedded in relationships, play, and emotionally meaningful experiences.

Communication also does not happen in isolation. It happens within relationships and within the body. Many children communicate most effectively when they feel regulated and emotionally safe. Shared play, movement, sensory input, and proximity often support engagement and connection. Relatedly, it is important to attend to nonverbal communication, including facial expressions, body orientation, gestures, and emotional tone, which often provide important information about a child’s internal experience. Responding to both verbal and nonverbal communication helps deepen connection and mutual understanding.

At CGW, our goal is not to teach children to “perform” communication. Our goal is to help children experience communication as meaningful – something that supports emotional expression, builds relationships, and fosters connection. When communication is rooted in relationships, children are more likely to stay engaged, take risks, and grow in ways that feel authentic and sustainable. When connection comes first, learning naturally follows.

Ultimately, communication is not just about getting needs met. It is about being seen, being understood, and being in a relationship. When we keep this at the center of our work, everything else begins to fall into place.

30-plus years with the Autism community (Pt 3 & 4)

January 19, 2026 connectedgrowthdrtobingpuente

(For Parts 1 and 2 of this blog, click here)

Part 3:

A third paradigm shift I have witnessed in the autism world over the past 30+ years is the expansion of the diagnosis itself. Prior to the DSM-5, the threshold for meeting criteria for an “autism” diagnosis was quite high. However, individuals who displayed a fewer number of symptoms (not fully meeting criteria for autism) were diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome or Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS). Together, combined with autism, these eventually became thought of as an “autism spectrum.” The DSM-5 removed Asperger’s and PDD-NOS as categories and put all individuals with a certain number of symptoms under one umbrella, the “autism spectrum disorder (ASD).” (We can discuss the shift in conceptualizing whether ASD is a “disorder” in another space).

Over the past several years, the autism spectrum has grown and grown. Individuals who would not have met criteria for any PDD in the past are now being identified with the more nuanced presentations of autism. At Connected Growth & Wellbeing, we regularly recognize that we are diagnosing individuals with ASD who we would not have identified as such 10-15+ years ago.

I believe the diagnostic canvas may continue to shift; I’m curious to see where it goes. There is debate regarding redefining individuals with greater support needs with another label (although the current DSM-5-TR differentiates between three levels for each of the diagnostic areas). Furthermore, it is unclear how much more the spectrum will grow.

Part 4:

Another example of a paradigm shift in the autism world has been in the ways that we support autistic individuals. This has boomed in so many ways, too numerous to detail in a blog.

From my vantage point, moving to a more respectful, person-centered, social-community model is probably the most important. Including individuals in decision-making about themselves, seeking to understand what makes them comfortable, feel satisfied and feel good about themselves, provides them with access to communication, and helps them engage in their communities in the ways that they wish are critical. These concepts are relatively novel to the world of special needs and they are core concepts that we continue to strive for at Connected Growth & Wellbeing.

In conclusion (for now):

With seemingly-ever-shifting ideas, as we and the world grow in our understanding, we do our best to keep up with the shifts! But, at the end of the day, the most important thing is for neurodivergent people (and of course all people) feel and be respected, be provided with all of the tools and supports to promote their ability to communicate, self-regulate, form relationships as they please, and be independent.

30-plus years with the Autism community (Pt 1 & 2)

January 19, 2026 connectedgrowthdrtobingpuente

As I haven’t written a blog in a long time, it occurred to me that as I passed my 30th anniversary(!) of working with autistic people, this is as good a time as any.

30 years sounds like a very long time (granted the first three were while I was an undergrad), and though it does not feel that long to me in many respects, I realize that the autism world has gone through numerous, ever-changing phases since I first entered it. Here are a few notable ones:

Part 1:

When I was first trained in 1995, we all said “autistic children.” However, some time later, we were told that this term was not appropriate. These were children first, separately from their diagnosis of autism and we should refer to them as “children with autism.”

However, as many of you know, this language has since been deemed disrespectful to autistic individuals’ identity and part of the disease-model. Many autistic self-advocates prefer the term “autistic” to describe themselves. Nowadays, I use the term “autistic individuals” for the most part, but I defer to the preferences of the individual with whom I am speaking (if I do not know, I defer to what is now considered the majority opinion in my community).

For an excellent research study on language preferences in the autism community, see Dr Connor Keating’s work (Keating, et. al, 2022).

Part 2:

“All behavior is communication” is another concept that gained momentum, and later shifted, about autistic and neurodivergent (which was not a term familiar to me in 1995!) individuals. It was a notable realization that individuals’ behaviors may be an attempt to convey ideas to other people.

However there is more recent thinking that this can be too broad of a statement (see: https://www.assistiveware.com/blog/autistic-behavior-always-communication?fbclid=IwQ0xDSwMQyw9leHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHs3NbRQ_NV5oSE_FLprRue61zL3EC19PZzBx_WFvMTHbbVSjXmJKv6QD5hUj_aem_hHkblpGFJxoIMzI6ZjB9FQ).

It seems much more appropriate to say that “all behavior has meaning” which is a tenet of both developmental-relational and more traditional behavioral (i.e., “ what is the function of this behavior?”) approaches. The meaning underlying a behavior may include communication, an indication of sensory or emotional overwhelm, boredom, a “motor loop,” (and difficulties motor planning), among others.

It is critical that we continue to strive to understand behaviors from a holistic, interdisciplinary perspective, including internal (sensory, physiological), developmental, environmental, and interpersonal factors.

Click here for Parts 3 and 4.