Parenting Practices: Validating Feelings

By: Dr. Jaime Marrus

Welcome back to the Parenting Practices blog series on Supporting Children’s Emotional Development! We hope you found last month’s tips helpful (https://drtobingpuente.com/2019/04/15/supporting-childrens-emotional-development-starts-with-accepting-their-feelings/) and have gotten a chance to take notice and practice “accepting” your child’s feelings.

This month’s focus is on validation.

All people seek validation from others in a number of ways.  We may wear an outfit that we know our partner loves in hopes of a compliment or a loving gaze. At work, we often want to ensure that the boss knows of our particular contributions to a project and enjoy receiving accolades. Children may seek validation through obtaining “good grades” and being praised for them, or telling their friends about a really cool new toy they have.  What is often missed by parents, however, is the idea of validating our children’s feelings (rather than “good” behaviors or concrete results).

For some perspective, think about a time you may have felt upset or scared and shared those feelings with someone close to you (a friend, partner, colleague, etc.), and may have received one of the following possible responses:

  • You: I’ve been having this same argument with my husband for a week… I am so upset, I don’t know what to do!
  • Response 1: Maybe you can try a different approach with him?
  • Response 2: That is frustrating. I would be upset too.
  • You: I am just so nervous about this deadline at work.
  • Response 1: Oh, don’t worry about it! I’m sure it will be fine!
  • Response 2: Yeah, deadlines are nerve-racking, that’s tough.

While there may not necessarily be anything “wrong” with Response 1 in both examples, you may have noticed that Response 2, although not providing you with any solution or reassurance, just feels better; it feels like you were being heard.  That feeling is a feeling of validation.  It’s that person communicating: “You have a right to feel that way. If it happened to me, I probably would feel the same way.”  For some of you, you may have felt like Response 1 felt INvalidating.

We want to do this same thing with our children. We want to accept their feelings and then send the message conveying, “Hey that’s ok to feel that way, I get it!”  This is important for overall emotional development and mental health.  Acknowledgement of children’s feelings is an important step in supporting them to move through the feeling in order to work towards a solution to whatever may be causing it.  Children will feel worthy and dignified in their experiences, which leads to positive outcomes such as healthy self-esteem and self-efficacy skills.

As I continued to comb through my bookshelf this month, I came across this example from Dr. Daniel Siegel’s and Mary Hartzell’s Parenting from the Inside Out:

A child comes in from playing outside and excitedly shows his mother some beetles he has collected in an open jar.  He says, “Look, Mommy, look what I found, aren’t they pretty?” All the mother sees is the possibility of bugs getting loose in the house and responds, “Get those out of here right now…”  Although at first consideration, this example does not even have to do with emotions and feelings, it is important to see how the child’s emotional experience was missed by the mother.  He likely felt quite excited and “good” about his discovery, and clearly wanted to share it with his mother.  Instead, the mother communicated a message more likely to be associated with “wrongdoing,” thus missing the meaningful emotional connection that could have given value to this experience.

So, we want to validate our children’s experiences, as well as their emotions.  In this way, we send a message of acknowledgement, acceptance, and understanding.  Validation can take many forms, including reflection, normalization, empathic responses (i.e., “I’ve had that happen to me too.”).  Below are examples of some validating parent responses:

  • Child: This homework is so hard! I hate my teacher for giving this to us.
  • Parent: Hmm, yes, it is tough to get through it tonight.
  • Child: My friend was so mean at recess today.
  • Parent: It sounds like you’re still upset about it, I’m sorry that happened.

Try to start thinking about the language you use to respond to your child when he/she is expressing an experience or a feeling.

Stay tuned for the next post in the Parenting Practices series!

Reference:

Siegel, D. J. & Hartzell, M. (2003) Parenting From the Inside Out. New York, NY: Penguin Group (USA) Inc:


Supporting Children’s Emotional Development… Starts With Accepting Their Feelings

By Dr. Jaime Marrus

Recently, many parents that I work with (either independently or in conjunction with working with their children), have asked me for “parenting strategies.” My first instinct is to reassure them: “You are wonderful parents!” (as this undoubtedly applies to the families with whom I currently work). First and foremost, my goal is to empower them to feel confident in their own techniques and relationships with their children. They often smile and look a bit embarrassed, and say something like, “Well, thank you, but… maybe there are strategies to help me be better.” I am so touched to be in a position in which parents turn to me (not yet a parent myself) in these moments to glean information and suggestions to promote more effective interactions in their own homes.

So, I have taken some time to reflect on more concrete “strategies” and conceptualizations to impart upon parents, and began combing through my dusty bookshelf that I should remember to consult with more regularly.

While there are a seemingly infinite number of wonderful resources that I could “assign” parents to read, I view it as my job to scour these resources myself in order to share the “take home (literally) points” with clients– “THP’s,” as an old professor of mine called them.

In the rest of this post and those that follow in the coming months in this Parenting Practices series, I will provide you with some bullet-point strategies to consider and practice in your own home. You can find resources at the end for further reading.

This month’s strategy: Accept your children’s feelings!

Ideally, everyone (including and especially children) wants their feelings to be recognized and heard.  However, as a parent you may find yourself, now that you think about it, “denying” your child’s feelings from time to time.  The renowned book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, include some great examples.  The authors, Faber and Mazlish discuss how natural it is for us to respond to something as straightforward as “Mom, I’m hot, I want to take off my sweater.” with “It’s cold in here, keep it on.” The same tendency is often true for emotional expressions.  For example, “I hate the new baby!” is likely (and even understandably) met with “No, you don’t! Don’t say such a thing, that’s not nice, you don’t mean it.”  But, let’s think about what we are really communicating here with such responses. The broader message that is likely unintentionally communicated may be a denial of the possibility that children just may have different feelings from us, the adults. So, the first step to accepting our children’s feelings is to accept them as they are- and that they may be (or are even likely to be) different from our own.


To practice this technique, take some time to consider how you can respond to your child in an accepting way in the following scenarios (as you may encounter them in the not-so-distant future). I included examples of some accepting parent responses:

1.         Child: I hate school!  I am terrible at math.

           Parent: Wow, you are feeling terribly about math and school right now.  I wonder why.

2.         Child: My big sister is the meanest in the whole world!

            Parent: Wow, she is so mean?  What happened?

3.         Child: (crying, tantruming) I don’t want to leave the playground!

            Parent: Yes, I know how hard it is to leave the (slide, swings, friends, etc).

Take some time to recognize opportunities to accept your child’s feelings, rather than (likely accidentally) deny them. This is a great first step in attuning to your child and setting yourself up for additional techniques to build emotional connections and understanding in your child.

Stay tuned for next month’s post in the Parenting Practices series on validation

References:

Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (2012) How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York, NY: Scribner


Free Parent Workshop: Transitioning to Kindergarten 4/10/2019

We are pleased to announce that Dr. Lauren and Dr. Jaime will be presenting their annual FREE parent workshop on Ensuring a Successful Transition to Kindergarten on April 10, 2019. Please forward to any parents of children of children with special needs who are navigating the “Turning Five” process and preparing for kindergarten starting September 2019. RSVP to: jmarrus@drtobingpuente.com

Signs of Love: A closer look

I recently came upon a posting from a joyous new mother citing an article on “signs your babies love you.”  I soon found that many websites that cater to new parents have articles listing the ways parents can determine that their babies love them.  I was appalled.

First, the title of such articles is not accurate.  The “signs” that these articles list are not indications of “love,” but actually signs of appropriate social-emotional development (in Western culture).  Of course, “signs of love” is a much catchier title than “developmental milestones,” but the distinction is a very important one to make.  The following are some examples of behaviors included in these articles:

  • Eye contact
  • Smiling at you
  • Noticing when you enter a room; showing an eagerness for your attention
  • Coos at you
  • Reaches his/her arms at you to signal that he/she wants to be picked up
  • Showing distress when you leave

These behaviors should most certainly be celebrated; not as signs of “love,” but rather as signs that the baby is developing fundamental developmental capacities, such as the capacity to share attention and relate and engage with their caregivers.  These foundation skills are essential in developing self-regulation, socialization, emotional processing, play skills, and many, many other developmental milestones.

Second, and more disconcerting to me is the impact of such articles on parents of babies who may not be showing these signs. There are many parents whose children with special needs do not display these signs, but under no circumstance does that mean these children do not love their parents, or that this should be questioned by the parents themselves or anyone else. It is important for parents of children with neurodevelopmental differences in relating and communicating to know that just because their children do not look at them or engage with them as expected, they still do love them. These parents and children may need the support of professionals who are specifically trained in helping parents and children attune to one another.  Stanley Greenspan, MD’s DIR (Developmental Individual Differences Relationship-based) model and related Floortime approach1 specifically addresses this. Such support may include identifying and developing expressions of love in unique and wonderful ways.

Third, and probably most alarming to me is the impact of such articles on the babies themselves.  Imagine a child who is born with developmental differences.  Maybe he has difficulties coordinating his eye gaze because his visual system is not well-integrated with other sensory systems, which impacts his ability to make eye contact.  Maybe her sensory system is overloaded and cannot process a combination of stimuli in loud and busy environments.  Maybe he doesn’t register that his parent entered the room because his auditory system has trouble quieting and ignoring the extraneous buzz and brightness of the fluorescent lights.  Maybe she needs so much swaddling and rocking to feel regulated that she has not yet mastered (or have time to master) attending to her mother’s face.  How sad for such babies that their developmental differences may be misinterpreted as a lack of love or affection for their parents.

The last thing children who are born with developmental challenges need are caregivers who think that they do not love them.  From my experience working with autistic self-advocates, they are glad to express and explain their unwavering love for their parents, even though they may never had made eye contact with them when they were babies or displayed other signs listed in the aforementioned articles.

Thinking again about the parents, giving them the false idea that their babies do not love them is far more likely to dishearten, sadden, worry, and possibly depress parents, rather than spur them to reach out for support, ask questions of their pediatrician, or initiate a developmental screening.  Thinking or feeling that your baby does not love you is likely to be embarrassing, which may even be an impediment to seeking help.  Further, I shudder while wondering if such parents may subconsciously change their behavior toward their babies if they do not think their babies love them, rather than understanding that they may need support in developing these social-emotional behaviors.

I am thrilled with the anecdotes often shared by parents of children with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) and other neurodevelopmental challenges who have learned to attune to their children and develop more robust relationships with them.  I have heard numerous accounts of how those parents recognize the, often unconventional, signs that their children love them:

  • “He (five year old) never used to look at me, but when I swing him around fast the way he likes me to, he looks right at me.”
  • “She (three year old) presses her chin into my knees, which prompts me to squeeze her tightly.  That’s when I know she is with me.”
  • “The more I join in with his (10 year old’s) interests, the closer he stays to me, and the more he wants to be around me.”

These expressions of love are reflections of the beauty of parent-child relationships among those with a range of developmental differences, and are worthy of celebration.  Lets remind ourselves that the signs most commonly listed in the general media should be celebrated as signs of social-emotional milestones in Western culture.  Suggesting that they are signs of love can be dangerous to those with developmental differences or special needs and their families.

 

1 For information on DIR/Floortime, see:  Greenspan, S. & Wieder, S. (1997). The Child with Special Needs. Perseus Books, and http://www.icdl.com.

“I have Autism”: Self-advocacy and Learning from the individuals we serve

By Dr. Jaime Marrus

As a psychologist working with individuals with a range of communication abilities, I often find myself wondering about what my clients are thinking, specifically with regard to the effectiveness of a particular intervention or treatment approach. Thus, I recently came across a report commissioned by the Office of Developmental Primary Care (of the UCSF Department of Family and Community Medicine), prepared by the Autistic Self Advocacy Network of Greater Boston. In reading the document, titled “First-Hand Perspectives on Behavioral Interventions for Autistic People and People with other Developmental Disabilities,” I was reminded of an experience I had just over a year ago.

I was at a friend’s destination wedding, and during the rehearsal dinner, the “emcee” of the evening (the groom’s brother), introduced the next speaker who was to share her well wishes for the couple— one of the bride’s sisters. As the rest of the guests sat in dresses and sleeveless tops (Northerners enjoying the Floridian weather), the bride’s sister walked up to the podium wearing a purple puffy winter coat and sweatpants. She introduced herself as the bride’s sister, and then simply stated, “I have autism. So I don’t like talking in front of crowds.” She then went on to deliver a speech riddled with humor, insight, and incredibly practical and heartfelt advice for the newlyweds-to-be. Needless to say, I experienced a surge of emotions as she wrapped up her speech: joy, pride, awe, compassion.  Tears sprang to my eyes and I looked down to see my hands clapping wildly.  I looked around at my fellow guests to see them all dabbing at their eyes with napkins, and some even rising from their seats to applaud.

As I reflect on that evening, I remember wondering about what the other guests were thinking. Surely, I thought, they were responding to many different things in the moment: that the young woman “made it through” her speech, that she even had the courage to make the speech at all, and, not the least of which, that her words themselves were brilliant and funny and kind.  And of course, I appreciated all of those things as well, in spades. But I was most focused on her opening statement, declared using the same conviction with which she doled out marriage advice: “I have autism.” This simple statement and its effect on me resounded so much with Dr. Tobing-Puente’s message in her previous blog, “21 Years of Autism,” specifically the theme of self-awareness and self-advocacy.  As a psychologist who specializes in working with individuals with autism spectrum disorder and their families, I was truly touched by the heartfelt reactions of the guests around me. However, I continue to be even more touched by the speechmaker’s own frankness, her openness in speaking her truth.

I am grateful to be at this point in my career during a time in which self-awareness and advocacy is growing stronger.  I recently completed the LEND fellowship program (Leadership Education in Neurodevelopmental Disabilities), in which professionals from a variety of disciplines (e.g., psychology, social work, occupational therapy, speech/language therapy, etc.) were trained to assume leadership roles in their fields.  For me, a noteworthy component of this program was the participation of a “self-advocate” as a LEND fellow himself, participating in the same curriculum to apply to his own career in policy and self-advocacy.  As emphasized by the self-advocacy network that prepared the aforementioned report, I believe it is so important to learn from the very people we are serving, and I plan to continue to seek such opportunities throughout my career.  I am always eager to read works published by self-advocates and/or their families (e.g., The Reason I Jump by Naoki Higashida, Thinking in Pictures by Temple Grandin, Look Me In the Eye, by John Elder Robison), and hope to engage in enlightening dialogue with my clients and their families about lessons learned from them. As noted in  “21 Years of Autism,” in which Dr. Tobing-Puente discusses “how the world has changed with respect to autism” during her decades of work, and in relation to the NAA-NY Metro panel, I also feel fortunate to be in a position to use the training and knowledge that I have (based on the DIR/Floortime model) about individual differences, including sensory processing profiles, to help families understand why their children may behave in certain ways… or why it is perfectly okay to wear a puffy winter jacket to a rehearsal dinner in Florida.

P.S. I encourage self-advocates, caregivers, and professionals to read the report written by the Autistic Self Advocacy Network of Greater Boston. However, for those who would like a quick glimpse, here are some brief excerpts from the report that stood out to me:

“The Autistic Self Advocacy Network of Greater Boston prepared this report to provide personal perspectives on behavioral interventions for people with developmental disabilities. These interventions include Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA), Floortime, and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). We believe strongly that people with lived experience can provide well-needed perspective on what works and doesn’t work for them, and that service providers working with people with disabilities can benefit from first-hand accounts.”

“In the interviews and questionnaire responses, participants identified values they considered important in behavioral treatment: promoting positive outcomes, preventing harm to people with disabilities, protecting people’s autonomy, advocating for inclusion, being sensitive to people’s past trauma, and supporting cultural competency.”

“Participants preferred treatments to focus on skills that would help them understand their own disabilities and coping with sensory overload, as opposed to therapies that made people look less autistic on the surface. Therapies that participants considered helpful included occupational therapy to help with sensory integration, play therapy, social skills groups for children, job coaching, mentoring, and mindfulness to help with anxiety. All the therapies suggested were aimed at encouraging self-determination and self-care, rather than indistinguishability from their peers.”

“Autistic people and other people with developmental disabilities are not a monolithic community. They can come from all racial, ethnic, socioeconomic, and cultural background…”

My Interview on Fox 5 NYC News

fox-5

On Friday, 11/18/16, I had the pleasure of being interviewed by NYC’s Fox 5 News  for a story they were doing on Darius McCollum, the NYC man who was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, and has been serving time on Rikers Island due to his most recent arrest for stealing and operating a charter bus.  The new movie, Off The Rails,  documents Mr. McCollum’s passion for trains and buses, his many arrests, and his difficulties obtaining proper treatment.  I was glad to have the opportunity to speak about the needs of individuals with Asperger’s.  See below for the clip and article:

http://www.fox5ny.com/news/218513254-story

Please note that Asperger’s is no longer recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, in its most recent Fifth Edition.  Asperger’s was one of the Pervasive Developmental Disorders (of which Autism also was a diagnosis).  Currently, the umbrella diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder covers individuals who formerly were diagnosed with “autism,” “Asperger’s” and “pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified.”

Free Parent Workshops: Transitioning to Kindergarten

I am excited to announce that I will be presenting my annual FREE parent workshop on Ensuring a Successful Transition to Kindergarten at both office locations this spring. Please forward to any parents of children of children with special needs who are navigating the “Turning Five” process and preparing for kindergarten starting September 2016.

East Village/Manhattan:
Wed, May 11, 2016
7:00pm-8:30pm
At Watch Me Grow, joined by Bari Keller, PsyD
525 East 12th Street (between Ave A and Ave B)
New York, NY 10009
Bayside/Queens
Wed, May 25, 2016
7:00pm-8:30pm
38-50 Bell Blvd
Suite A1
(enter between Bell Blvd and 213 St)
Bayside, NY 11361
Please RSVP to: services@drtobingpuente.com
Please see flyer below for additional information.

Successful Transition to Kindergarten flyer-2016